shepard fairey








gustav dore

our boys

death and burial


Monday, April 28, 2008


[Fiends: Here's where our great and mostly unknown scribe begins to hit his stride. Ah love! If you wrote this, please contact me!]


Everything seemed so much easier to me when I was a teenager. There weren't so many painful memories to drag me down all the time. Memories of ex-girlfriends, lovers, and old friends long gone. Back then there was not so much to regret. Somewhere along the line I went through a long string of tragic and heartbreaking relationships that really tore down my spirit, and gradually dismantled my faith. I guess I have had shitty luck with love. Or maybe I should say I have had incredible luck with love. I guess I’ve had my share of both.

The first time you get your heart broken must be the hardest. It takes the longest time to get over it, and you never really understand what happened until years later. It hurts so bad at first that you can’t even stand to think. It gets easier after you go through it again and again. You start to get used to it. You expect it. It makes you stronger. The ghosts of old lovers are quickly chased away by a fresh romance with a bright, shiny, new girl.

But then there are those that you can never truly forget. The ones that leave a mark on your soul and an emptiness in your heart when they are gone, and there is never any doubt that your world is a worse place without the light that they bring. They are few and far between but the endless memories are always a source of pain to me and an everlasting reminder of my failures.

Jen was my first girlfriend, I guess. I’d had sex with a couple girls before her but she was my first real girlfriend. The first girl I was ever in love with. At least I thought I was in love with her. Perhaps it was just a crush but she seemed to feel the same way and we quickly became companions.

Jen was sixteen when I met her and was very sweet and innocent. She had had sex once before but I guess it wasn’t really a good experience. We dated for about four months before we finally did it. We slept in the same bed together numerous times during those months and she always slept in her clothes, blue jeans and all. Occasionally she would let me take off her shirt and play with her breasts, but that was it. It was unbearably agonizing, but in an irresistible way.

When I finally convinced her to part with her precious jeans the triumph was sweet. Her skin felt amazingly cool and soft against mine. She protested as I removed her panties but before long I was inside her and she was writhing in my arms. Her body radiated intense warmth that came from beneath her smooth, cool skin and the smell of her hair was intoxicating. I could feel her eyes looking into mine but it was too dark to really see them. I wanted to turn the lights on so I could see her beautiful face and lovely figure but she would not allow it.

I remember watching her sleep as the sun finally crept into the sky. Her pale skin shined in the morning light and her face wore a joyful expression, even in slumber. Her breasts heaved as she breathed and occasionally she let out a little sigh and curled herself around me. I think that was the first really good sex that I had ever had, and I think it was for her too.

The attraction was not all sexual though. Jen’s whole character impressed me from the very start. She had me charmed the first time I ever heard her speak. She seemed very wholesome and innocent and yet she possessed this deadly wit that forged her every thought into an incisive, potentially volatile, comment. Her sense of humor was brutal and uncompromising but somehow everything she said ended up sounding cute. It was hard not to love her. All of my friends seemed charmed by her as well, which ended up being a small problem.

Jeffrey and Rod both developed crushes on her and, when it became known that we were a couple, they banned her from the “Punker Palace,” where they lived and we all hung out. It sucked for awhile and she felt hurt because she considered them both to be friends. Eventually they missed us so much that they decided to lift the Jennifer ban. It was all just foolish games really, but I didn’t care and neither did she. We were both just thrilled to be together.

When I think about her now it seems funny to think how in love with her I was. I had no idea what love was but I felt as though I would die without her. In a way she prepared me for what was to come in my life. She taught me that love was both beautiful and tragic, and that the world was both wonderful and cruel.

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